Contents

DNA

GENES

Hi, folks, G-man here -- doing my weekly stint for the Samaritans, and . . . hang on a mo', we've got another caller . . .

"Good evening, Samaritans -- calls are charged at 60 pence a minute and no call will last more than . . . Sorry, sorry, that's the day job . . . Let's try again -- Good evening, Samaritans, can we help? . . .

"Well, uh . . . well, um . . . "

"Take your time, old chap. There's no hurry, I'm still finishing the Times crossword . . . by the way, my name's G-man."

"Er, my name's . . . my name's, um, Derek . . ."

"Hi, Derek -- you seem to be very upset about something, but it helps to talk, like old Bob Hoskins used to say in the BT ads, right? So shoot . . . sorry, I mean, Go ahead.

"Oh very well, G-man . . . I . . . I was on my way to work on the underground last week, as usual, then . . . then . . . "

"Easy does it, old son . . . No rush, anyway, I'm still stuck on this last clue -- 'He looked inward for a theory'? . . . must be some kind of anagram . . . Now then, you were on the way to work, then what happened?"

"Well, G-man, you see, for seventeen years I was an almost fanatical supporter of Charles Darwin . . ."

"Hey, Bingo! That's the answer! Derek, you've done it! " 'He looked INWARD for a theory', it's DARWIN! Finished at last, and it only took me nine minutes -- that's faster than the bishop . . . now, did you say you were a touch suicidal or something?"

"Well, G-man, for seventeen years I was an ardent believer . . . I thought about his theory all the time . . . and everyday on the way to work I would go up and down the train telling people about it . . . and handing out my 'Darwin Woz Right!' badges . . . then . . . then one day last week something quite shocking happened. I got on the tube at Piccadilly Circus, as usual, then by time I got off at Charing Cross, I . . . I . . . I had completely rejected Darwin's Theory of Evolution and come up with a new one of my own. . . and I now believe with absolute confidence that even the fundamental concepts of Darwinism are erroneous. So there! "

"Dear me, Derek, what can I say? You were a fanatical believer in Darwinism when you got on the tube, yet when you got off -- about two minutes later, by my reckoning, you had changed your mind, after having been a True Believer for seventeen long years? Wowee!"

"Yes, G-man, I had a sudden change of heart . . . you see, I used to think that Darwin's Theory was the most intellectually seductive idea in scientific thought . . . yet . . . yet, I suddenly realized that there was no definite proof . . . because it's impossible to conduct a scientific investigation over millions of years anyway . . . "

"That is tough, Derek . . . By the way, excuse me asking, but are you by any chance Derek Hough, the British biologist and author of the book: 'Evolution -- a case of stating the obvious' ? . . . I found some copies of it in a second-hand shop just the other day."

"Yes, I am, G-man. How ever did you know that?"

"Oh, just call it intuition, Derek -- I'll tell you about that later if we have time. . . . Anyway, go on."

"Well, G-man, when Darwin's book was published, back in 1859, some leading scientists, such as Thomas Huxley were convinced immediately that the theory was obviously right. Likewise, when I first came across it I was totally convinced too -- it seemed so wonderfully simple yet powerful, and apparently explained so many things. But, now, all of a sudden . . . "

"Don't feel bad, Derek, and don't blame yourself -- for some reason, evolution often has a mesmeric influence on the thinking of intelligent people . . . and I understand that Darwin himself once said that his mind was 'haunted' by it. But be that as it may, where exactly do you think the old boy went off the rails?"

"Well, first off, G-man, I don't think that Darwin himself was as obsessed with the truth of his theory as his modern followers are -- which is one reason why he delayed twenty long years before publishing it, finally being pushed into it when he heard that Alfred Wallace had somehow come up with the same idea. He not only wrote the book to convince his readers but also to convince himself . . .

. . . You see, I think he knew in his own heart that blind, mindless natural selection could never really create complex organs and organisms -- which is why he suggested in 'Origins' that Natural Selection was probably not the only mechanism at work."

"Derek, this sounds like heresy! Here you are, a highly qualified biologist and rabid evolutionist, openly suggesting that Darwin was wrong? "

"Well . . . I suppose I am . . . But don't get me wrong G-man, I still accept Evolution as a fact of life. After all, the only alternatives are magic and Divine Creation -- and I certainly cannot accept either of those! No way -- it's just that I cannot accept Darwin's particular explanation of how evolution works. However, I now believe that I have found the crucial mechanism that eluded him all those years . . .

"Look, Derek, I'm a bit puzzled, old pal -- I thought you felt suicidal because you lost your faith in Darwinism in a mere two minutes on the way to work one day, but then you found a much better theory. Surely you should be delighted -- so why are you calling the Samaritans?"

"You're missing the point, G-man. What's depressing me is the fact that now I have discovered the TRUTH, THE REAL TRUTH, nobody wants to hear it! This morning, for example, when I tried to hand out my new 'Sorry -- Darwin Woz Wrong!' badges, they all hid behind their newspapers. It was simply unbearable, so humiliating -- and then to make matters even worse you go and find some copies of my book in a sleazy second-hand shop. I can't stand it. I simply cannot carry on. I'm going to . . . to . . . to . . . "

" . . . For goodness' sake, get a life, you limp-wristed moron. . . . Snap out of it, you spineless creep . . . "

"What the blazes? G-man? I thought I was talking to the Samaritans -- and what happened to your voice? . . ."

"Sorry, Derek . . . that was Cynthia, the Dominatrix . . . she shares an office with us . . . and she keeps trying to wrestle the phone away from me . . . Get off, you bossy bitch!!! . . .Oooh, you are strong, G-man! . . . LET GO, WOMAN!!! . . . Sorry about that, Michael . . . Anyway, where were we?"

"I was just explaining, G-man, that the reason I want to commit suicide is that nobody will listen to me any more, even though I have now discovered the REAL TRUTH of evolution! . . . but you're still listening, aren't you G-man?"

"I'm all ears, Derek. Now, tell me again where Darwin cocked it all up."

"Well, for a start, G-man, even the earliest life forms for which we have found fossil evidence were actually incredibly complex -- containing cells that performed chemical reactions involving tens of thousands of different kinds of protein molecules, each one composed of several thousand atoms arranged in highly organized 3-D conformations."

"But as an evolutionist, Derek, you obviously believe that those cells simply synthesized themselves by the steady accumulation of random mutations over millions of years?"

"No, G-man, I frankly confess, even as a confirmed evolutionist, that such a suggestion is absurd in the highest degree -- as insane as expecting a new car to be accidentally created by an explosion in a junk yard."

"Them's fighting words, Derek."

"Think it out for yourself, G-man. The human eye is far more complex than Darwin ever knew, and its effective function requires the coordinated action of many complex subsystems, including the brain, each of which also had to be created by the chance interaction of random mutations . . .

. . . Oh, I could go on, G-man, but it's simply preposterous, an affront to reason. Quite honestly, most biologists have been so incredibly arrogant in their blind pursuit of evolution at all costs that the objections raised by mathematicians on the grounds of sheer improbability have simply been ignored."

"Derek, let me be sure I've got this right -- Evolution teaches that during the reproductive process mistakes sometimes get made in copying the patterns in the genes that pass from one generation to the next? Then, purely by accident, some of those resultant mutations prove beneficial to the organism's chance of survival in some small way in its present environmental niche?"

"That's that standard explanation, G-man. Next question."

"So, how do those mutations arise, Derek?"

"Well, G-man, modern Darwinians would have us believe that mutations are mistakes -- simply random copying errors that must inevitably occur as cells divide and reproduce, due to the mind-boggling complexity of the DNA molecules involved. However, the chances of such mistakes being beneficial are about the same as that of a random mistake in a computer programme making it work better. Zero, in other words."

"OK, I understand that, Derek, but . . . "

"No buts about it, G-man -- the Darwinian idea of one favorable mutation waiting for another then another and so on in order to create new organ systems and then getting them working together in perfect harmony as a body is infantile nonsense. However, this element of chance is largely removed in my new theory . . . "

" . . . Coooheee! Deedee, you clever boy! -- it sounds like you're giving our Charlie a right whipping! . . *!*!*! . . . Give me that phone, Cynthia, you silly cow . . . now GET LOST!!! . . . Sorry about that, Derek . . . Now then, tell me how this new theory works."

"As I was saying, the element of chance is largely removed in my new theory. The big breakthrough, G-man, is my discovery that there is a powerful creative mechanism at work inside every living organism. I won’t bore you with the biochemical complexities, but I call it the 'Self-developing Genome'."

"The 'Self-developing Genome', eh? That has a nice ring to it, Derek."

"Well, G-man, we actually know very little about the function of most of the DNA in any particular organism . . . "

"Excuse me interrupting, Derek, but you're talking now about 'junk' DNA, right? -- the massive bulk of DNA in cells that scientists say serves no useful purpose, it just accidentally got made by evolution, odd bits of left-over stuff that sometimes clog up the works?"

"Absolutely right, G-man, but I now suspect that the junk DNA actually plays a crucial part in evolution – in particular, the operation of the Self-developing Genome."

"Go on, Derek."

"Well, when we do discover more about the Genome I think we shall find a multi-hierarchal, non-linear computer programme which not only build bodies but also experiments and generates sophisticated new designs, all in response to external conditions and stimuli. I cannot pretend to understand its exact mechanism yet, but it must contain a system for reducing the odds in the lottery of life, using processes that will eventually astound its greatest admirers with their ingenuity."

"This is fascinating, Derek, but if Darwinism don't work, how on earth did your highly organized and super intelligent designer genes mechanism ever get started? "

"The simple answer, G-man, is that it didn't get started on earth at all -- for the reasons of sheer improbability I have just explained. So obviously, if it didn't begin here, it must have begun somewhere else! Right?"

"I find that statement impossible to argue with, Derek. You mean that the original Genome came here from somewhere else in the universe?"

"Precisely, G-man, but not just any old universe -- you see, there could be an infinite number of other universes to choose from, which massively ups the chance of life accidentally creating itself out of non-living materials by crude Darwinian principles . . . and if you don't believe me, ask old Steve Hawkins, he's inventing new universes almost every day."

"Right on, Derek, so you simply make the impossible possible by having an infinite number of universes, waiting for the miracle to happen? Cunning stuff, but how did that life-form finally make its way to the primordial slime pits of good old Planet Earth? -- on a Number 47 bus?"

"Don't get sarky, G-man. Look, I'm talking serious science here . . . as a matter of fact, Life probably came on a comet -- and probably 3.5 billion years ago . . . yes, probably a rogue comet traveling from the farthest reaches of space and time, linking up distant parts of the universe . . .And that life-form's original Genome pattern had an INEVITABLE PURPOSE, a programme intended to propagate life throughout the universe . . . IT ACTUALLY SEARCHED THE UNIVERSE to find a part that provided suitable conditions, and it found them on planet earth -- thereby ACHIEVING ITS AIM OF CREATING INTELLIGENT LIFE and allowing the mechanisms of death, sexual reproduction and speciation act on its relentless creation of variety!!! So there! . . . So you see, G-man . . . G-man? . . . G-man? Are you still listening? . . ."

"Sorry, Derek -- I was just watching a flock of pigs fly by the window. They've gone now . . . "

"All right, so I do get carried away a bit now and again, G-man, but my new theory does explain how that first, immigrant life form then went on to create the diversity of life that exists here today."

"OK, tell me more, Derek."

"Well, as I was starting to explain before you rudely butted in, G-man, the Self-developing Genome, acting in response to stimuli from the environment, deliberately designs organisms that will be able to cope with those external conditions in advance -- rather than waiting millions of years for random mutations to occur in the hope of finding a few helpful ones by trial and error, as Darwin theorized.

That's why some creatures seem to be born with pre-knowledge of the outside world and the way it works without ever having seen it. Some birds, for example, hatch out already knowing how to migrate by the stars . . . What happens is that, thanks to the Self-developing Genome, and by means of a purely chemical process, each organism’s behavior is actually pre-programmed -- so that it simply gives the appearance of pre-knowledge. Got it?"

"Derek, I'm lost for words . . . In fact I am utterly astounded! You see, your theory seems to be saying almost exactly what the Genesis account of creation in the Bible infers. The main difference appears to be that whereas Genesis says that God created a number of different plant and animal types, called Kinds, into which he evidently engineered Self-developing Genomes to give them the ability to continuously mutate around their basic body plan and so create the variety we now see and also adapt to different habitats -- your theory starts out with just one ready-made, but very primitive genome, that thumbed a ride here from outer space, and then gradually evolved . . . Derek, I think you have indeed discovered something very close to the REAL TRUTH of this highly controversial matter! This calls for a celebration . . . Cynthia, get the bottle out again!"

"Oh no you don't, G-man! . . . No way! I'm not letting you hijack my respectable scientific theory for your crazy creationist ends!"

"Look, Derek, I'm not trying to steal your theory . . . I'm simply trying to give you the recognition you deserve . . . yes, luv, there's a new bottle of 'Black and White' in the filing cabinet."

"Rubbish, G-man, you're twisting my theory to fit in with your divine creation boloney -- and up with this I will not put! You are starting to make me very, very angry!"

"No, you listen to me, Derek -- by discovering the Self-developing Genome, you have single-handedly destroyed Darwinism, you little genius, and demonstrated the truth of the Bible account of the creation of life. You should be pleased -- and honored . . I raise my glass to your designer genes -- bottoms up, Cynth! Down the hatch, old gal!"

"Frankly, G-man, my dear chap, I don't give a damn! -- and I don't have to listen to your superstitious claptrap any longer! . . . You are making me very, very angry! -- very, very, very angry, in fact -- and I'm coming down there right now to punch you out good and proper -- you and your fancy whip woman! You'll rue the day you joined the Samaritans, you creationist cretin . . . "

"Temper, temper, Derek! You called us, remember? We didn't call you . . . Derek? . . . Hello, Derek? . . . Oh dear, he's slammed the phone down . . . "

"Ah well, Gee-Gees, at least he doesn't want to kill himself any more . . . now he wants to kill you instead! "

"Cynthia, you'd better take over -- Give me that bottle, I'm outta here!"